.My personal thoughts.

.14/04/25.

.Our neighbours invited us to a barbecue next weekend, so obviously I've spent the last day or so stressing about my relationship with food and if i'll be able to eat anything. I've been halfheartedly counting calories again but since im not being crazy about it I dont think it's a real concern for right now. Mostly I'm stressed that we'll show up and it'll be one of the days where I'm convinced all meat is rotten and chewy and I won't even be able to look at it, i don't eat much meat exept for chicken goujons anymore for this reason anyway. Also made myself eat a plain hotdog roll earlier because the last time i grabbed one it was mouldy and i had to wash my hands 4 times, it was from a fresh bag and was fine but i felt like i was gonna look down and see green-blue dots all over it again. Would not reccomend eating anything whilst vividly picturing it covered in mold but i really dont want my thoughts about all my food being mouldy to come back fullswing so I'm trying to prove to myself that It's fine by buying a fresh version and eating it. That's probably weird but It's kind of working.

.13/04/25.

.Nothing positive to report, spent all week rotting in my room instead of doing anything productive. My exams start in a month and i can't even force myself to revise or anything, i always get miserable again at the worst times.

.08/04/25.

.I'm sick of being so isolated, it's driving me fucking crazy how all of my peers have friend and go outside and hangout whilst I'm stuck in my room with my shitty defective brain. Whenever I've tried to make an effort it's like there's been a physical barrier stopping me from reaching people. I can speak to someone in class occasionally but it's like Im somehow incapable of being anything other than "weird guy i sit next to". I feel childish and stunted compared to them, like they grew up and I could never figure out how to, when we were all younger I could manage a small friend group but then I brokedown and they kept moving. I don't think I blame a bunch of 14 year olds for not knowing how to deal with a friend sudddenly shutting down completely but i can't say I don't resent them for acting like I don't exist. I miss them.

.06/04/25.

.I've been thinking about killing myself a lot again lately, not in a "i have an active plan to take my own life" way but more like... it's got to happen eventually. One day i'll get sick of it all, it'll finaly be too much and it'll drive me over the edge. My suicidal thoughts have been like that since i was a kid, rarely actually planning to do it but just accepting that it's how things are gonna end for me. I was expecting that tipping point to have happend by now and so im left flying blind in regards to my future, i have no concrete plans because i didnt expect to still be here. I graduate in a few months and even though im doing all of the uni application shit i have a sinking feeling that finishing school is gonna be that tipping point i've felt looming over me my whole life, though i've felt like this about most major events in my life so i guess i just have to wait and see.

.05/10/24.

.Had to go to the doctors because my headaches have been getting so bad, the stupid flurocent lights at school were installed specifically to harm me ... history teaher still hasnt given us back our first drafts of our neas but i guess it takes a while to mark them all, gives me time to re-read all the books i used for it since ive basically forgotten everything i was writing about, cant wait to get it done and never have to think about Lenin and his bald little head ever again.

.Convinced my cousin nd a girl we know to play dnd with me so thats pretty #epic, not really had a chance to write anything for it yet but im gonna try to this weekend. probably gonna do a heist oneshot or somthing. Also tried making a diy patch for the first time, i think it went pretty well but i smudged the paint a bit taking the stencil off so i had to go over it w black paint in some places... but then the black paint stands out from the fabric a bit and its been bugging me, looking at the pic you literally cant tell but thats bc the flash is on.

...

.01/10/24.

.True to my prediction ive been way too busy to post anything here.. in my 5 month abscence ive got the first draft of my history nea nd one of my english ones submitted so thats a positive i guess... also turned 18 which was cool, my cousin made me some cupcakes with stupid little halloween pictures ontop, shes like crazy good at baking.

.19/05/24.

.Drinking some shitty mango soda i got at school on like tuesday nd then forgot abt in my bag. putting off doing my stupid english project by making some flash cards for history so i guess im still being kinda productive. it feels like i have no time to myself, cant just sit around doing nothing without school shit gnawing at the back of my brain. mouth is still fucking killing me.

.17/05/24.

.Experiencing a plethora of mouth related issues, my bottom teeth r fucking killing me nd ive got a fucking ulcer in there aswell.

.14/05/24.

.Writing this to upload once i get home bc the school wifi sucks but theres still like an hour till lunch and im soooo fucking bored. youtubes blocked so im left with the albums on my mp3 player but i dont wanna listen to any of them rn and i put sunscreen on bc its summer nd i need to get into the habit but i just feel dry and greasy and my skin looks kinda shiny... evil evil world.

.It wont even be any better after lunch bc ive got that stupid fucking english test uuuurrrggghhhh... one joy of today is i get to skip the first 2 hours of school bc i have all free periods except the last one, actually got a decent amount of sleep because of it. anyway i should probably be revising instead of talking to myself in a text file, bye. (12:35).

.13/05/24.

.My parents are always going on about how much better I'm doing and I suppose that's true, but honestly it feels less like im doing "better" and more like ive figured out how to function throught it all. Its all still there, just underneath a far better veneer. as far as they know the worst it ever got was like severe anxiety nd undiagnosed autism anyway, its alwayed seemed like too much trouble to talk to a therapist about the worse stuff when all they'd do is tell my parents and then tell me to take a warm bath or some shit. second post in and im already being an edgelord lmao, skipped school today bc i was fucking exhausted nd didnt do my history homework.. got a stupid fucking essay section due soon and i cant be fucking bothered, gotta do it unfortunately... such wretched trials i must endure.

.12/05/24.

.New site... so weird. dont rlly have much to talk abt today, got an english assesment on tuesday so ive been spending all my time freaking out about it and yet not revising. listended to GUDSFORLADT - Friendship- Love and War and it was pretty good... honestly just writing this so the blog section has somthing in it whilst im making the site.